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sábado, 15 de março de 2014

8 alternative game consoles

Perhaps "surreal" is a more appropriate word than "alternative" to describe the consoles below. Nevertheless, the consoles are real, you can buy then out there in the wild and, to the ones I found, there is also links to videos. As Iwata would say, please, take a look.

1. Battman

The console reminds the original Xbox, the controllers remind the controllers from PlayStation 1, there is something over there that looks like one of those cartridges with 1000 NES games and it also includes a wired pistol! What could be missing in this lovely package? A strong name, a crusade from the night, searching vengeance against crime, wearing weird clothes: Battman, for sure! And look closely, it has two "t"s, but, unlike a logical mind would suggest, I'm sure the two "t"s are not there to avoid legal issues. Well, well, let's be real, considering the whole pack, if it had only one "t", it simply wouldn't match, would it?

2. Game Child

If you think the name "Game boy" hurts the female crowd out there, here is a "Game" that is not for boys only, but to the child inside every one of us. Or something like that. The legend tells that this was the first "alternative" console in History. There is a review in YouTube if you wanna see it working. Special highlights to the places where batteries are and are not placed.

3. Game Theory Admiral

Firstly, let's look to the box. In the upper left corner it says "Appearance of high accuracy color", I'm not sure what it means, but I don't like it. On the other upper corner it says "GTA", but before you dive into dreams imaging it is a reference to a famous game series, let me wake you up by saying it is just the console's name abbreviation. Now, stop and drink it, the console is named "Game Theory Admiral"! Holly s*it, an Admiral! An Admiral! And we should not ignore the irony to put the words "theory" and "game" together on the game of a console like this one, right? To finish I must comment the word "Mystery" in the left bottom corner, that is the only thing that makes sense, after all, the existence of a console like this is certainly surrounded by mysteries: the mystery of the name, the mystery of who designed this box, the mystery of why it ever came to be, just to give a few. Now, forgetting the package, take a look at it with a NES cartridge attached, cause that is what it plays (don't pretend you are surprised):

Amazing, hum? And please do not ignore the cartridge with 9999999 games. If you wanna see it working, there is also video in Youtube.

4. Mini Poly Station 3

Yes! Really yes! Definitely yes! This one not only tries to look like a famous console, it also tries to be a reduced version of it, but not only in size, but on the controller, on the screen (what?!), and specially in the reason to be. Don't be confused, this is not another "alternative" NES console, this one goes beyond into the realm of shadow. This is one of those minigames where the sprites are in gray, in a fixed position and they lit as you "move". Just to give you one idea of how "mini" it is, notice that the controller has only 1 button where it normally would have 4! To have a better idea of this wonder, take a look on the video below. It is worth of your time.

5. PVP Pocket 6

So, again, let's start with the box. At the top we have "PVP Pocket 6", so, whatever it is, it was done before at least 5 times (*congrats*). On the bottom right we learn it comes with 50000 games, which is less than the 9999999 of the admiral, but the admiral is an admiral after all. To conclude the box, on the bottom right we can read "HD Video. The game function is powerful", that is not only well written (if you are crazy), it also gives an almost religious vibe to it. It is possible to imagine a entire religion that would use as slogan "the game function is powerful", no?

Now, ignoring the box, the truth is that a great console is defined by its game library. The PVP Pocket 6, as an example, includes things like Super Mario Bros 3, Super Mario Bros 8, Super Mario Bros 10º e Super Mario Bros 14!  If that is not enough to convince you, it also has the game below:

Much better than Angry Birds is Anger Birds! There is so much anger in these birds that they even destroyed grammar! In Youtube I found a video of another version of the PVP that has a version of these anger birds things. Click here for the video.

6. PX-3600

I failed to find much information about this one, but I like the way its qualities are listed in the box:
Excellence, enthusiasm, enjoyment, hospitality. It is more than a video game, it is almost a vacation resort! I also should enjoy the alien design, the way the picture makes you think it has wireless controllers and, above all, the visual representation of its vibration function. I bet the person who did it, when seeing piles of coins, is sure that its a single lonely coin, vibrating and maybe calling him by his name. Who knows?

7. Rambo TV Game USA

It was once a NES with SNES controllers, and was also a Atari 2600 where the normal joysticks where replaced by something that reminds the holder of a machine gun (what makes lots of sense in this context, no?...), however, what really intrigues me, what really captures my imagination, is who is the one who decided the console should be named "Rambo TV Game USA". I mean, it has to be a fascinating person, imagine what such mind would have to say about the current social-political world wide situation. If you feel like, there is a video of the Atari version.

8. Super Megason e Super Megason IV

Why the f*ck this boy is flying?! And why he has this facial expression while flying??! Who gave him these glasses?? And who told him that is the right way to hold a game controller?!?!? Is it possible that the company responsible for the console approved this art because they really believe that is the right way to play????!?!?

And what's up with that yellow balloon at the bottom right corner saying that Super Megason IV has "extra cartridge"? Look, I can ignore the gramatical thing here because what bothers me more is the balloon itself. Was it really so hard to at least draw it properly? Look at it! Why?! The most confusing thing is that in the first box they could draw it right, so, what happened?!?

And, to close this crazy mess, in my opinion the worse problem here is that in the box of Super Megason the boy was flying in his adorable manner and so forth, but he was far away from Earth, in a generic far away deep space. However, in the box for Super Megason IV, we are f*cked, he is arriving on Earth! Flying along Super Megason IV! Who could save us from that?!?!

Oh well... After that, I better finish this post.