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sexta-feira, 30 de dezembro de 2011

A message to what will be after the end of the world

If you are reading this than there are just two possibilities.

The first one is that those theories, that no one really understand, were right. If it is true, in your universe I’m just one story, just an echo from time and space reflected between dimensions and perceived by someone with the right sensibility to hear me, write what I say without even know that I’m real.

The other possibility, much more simple and possible, is that my plans have worked well and this message has survived.

I’m the only person who knows that in some minutes the world will end and there is nothing to be done to stop it.

I don’t have enough time to say everything I wanted to say and still need to save some time to take the necessary actions so than this message can be saved. Now, there is not much time left, less than one hour.

My whole life I heard two voices in my head. Not real voices, I’m not crazy, they were more like messages. Every time I was doing something they came to confirm if what I was doing was right or wrong.

I believe that everyone knows at least one of these two voices.

One of them used to say that it is not so important to think to take my decisions, that there is already a predetermined script about what is known to be right to get somewhere in life. This voice used to say that I had to do what necessary to be done, the way it was already done, that if it existed for so long and so many people were doing, it could not be wrong. I had to follow the rules, adapt myself, follow the life considered normal, with the same routine of the other people, with all the searches of the other people, have a life almost equal to the life of the other people, because I was a person too, just like then. The secret was quite simple, study hard, work hard, find someone and get married, buy a car, buy a house, have a family on my own, have kids, grown old, die and pass over to my kids the message that it was life and after me it was up to then to keep it going.

The other voice used to say that I had to run away of all these conventions, that I had to listen to what I really wanted, that life could be more than that, that I had to live every day as if it was the last, asking myself if what was going to do that day was what I wanted to do every day until the end of my life. This voice used to say that there were no final answer to anything, that everything could be changed, made better, build up, remade, the way I wanted. To this voice, I was a person like the others, but just like each one of them, I was unique. It was only necessary my will so then the universe would conspire in my favor, it was the one who had to adapt itself to me and not the other way around. This voice also said that if I had any doubt, and I certainly would have, my heart would give me the answer, that I would know which way was the right way not knowing how I knew.

I confess here and now that I have not followed completely any of these two voices.

I tried in many ways to find what was that I wanted. I tried to keep myself fool and hungry, allowing myself to make mistakes and be curious. I tried to work hard, take chances, and listen to that voice of the heart that supposed to tell me if that was the right job, if that was the right girl, if I was living my life and not the life of somebody else. At the same time, I studied a lot, got good grades, went to a good university, got a good job and lived a life like the others. But in the end, we don’t need to think all that much to know that since I had not followed completely none of these voices, I can’t judge which one was the best to achieve “happiness”.

If you follow two voices that are so different at the same time it is like not follow any of them. If you go a little to one side, than a little to the other, after all, you stay almost always at the same place. Right?

It is weird that even understanding it, I still don’t know if my choices were right or wrong. I think the problem was that the voice coming from inside me, that “from the heart”, was not one agreeing with none of that two voices always hammering in my head. I was never able to understand what this voice was saying because it simply was not what I was expecting. This voice was not pointing to any of that two directions.

Today I see that this voice was telling me not believe for real in any of the other two voices, to not follow any of them, to not know all that I always thought I had to know, because it knew that in the end nothing would be explained the way I expected it to be, because it knew that It had to guide me to be here now, sitting alone, waiting for the end of the world, leaving this message.

If I had lived another life, the slightest difference it had, if I had follow with a little more strength any of that two voices, I would be a different person today, I would not be here, I would not live the life I have lived and maybe today I would be just another one among all that people down there and would not even have something to say, to leave to the universe after the end of the world.

The voice which guides our destiny come from us and not from somewhere else, from outside, from something we may have heard, from the destiny that other people had. This is the first part of my message.

I wonder now, where she may be down there among all that people? Does she even remember me? What she may be doing now? Is she still dating that guy?

I thought about call her, because it would be better not to die alone and would be even better if we could finally find peace, finally find all that understanding that we decided to postpone to the moment where we “were ready to be together”, as if the universe would compensate us in the future with a better end than the one we had, as if it owned us this, because of the rest of the story and how good it was. Sometimes we like too much how a story begins and we wait too much that the end will please us the same way.

The problem is that in real life, not like in stories, things are not like that.

The act of placing any objective or plan of happiness and personal evolution in the future, not in the present, is a big mistake.

There is a time to everything and the time we had together was great, but it is over. It makes no sense I stay with her in the end, just like it had no sense to be with her in present time and even less in the future, when, magically, everything would be perfect.

Not let time pass is to chose to be stuck in an illusion that is possible to live forever some moment in time.

Time goes by and everything that has a beginning has and ending, and the same way it happens with that voice of your destiny, that is one that is not one that you ever heard before, the path which time choses to pass won’t be one you expect it to be.

It is hard, but is important to find the right time to let something go, to turn around and walk into another direction, even if we have inside some expectations that in some magic way everything will be once more new and good, like it was one day, like we hear in stories that are just stories and not real life. And that is the second part of my message, there is just one more.

My watch tells me that all that people down there and I have less than half of an hour.

Up here It is impressive to notice how many people are there in the world. It is impressive how they are all moving, with all that cars, all going somewhere, each person with a story, a worry and a bunch of plans. It is weird to notice just now how we are all together, with the same searches and fears, not knowing that everyone fear, expect and want, the same things. Nobody wants to be hated, nobody wants to be unhappy, nobody wants to be less, nobody wants to feel guilty.

I think that if they knew what I know, they would not believe. That end of the movies and stories, all created to justify the greatness humans like to see in themselves, is not going to happen. The true end is not part of any human way to think. In some sense, the same way me and her expected another end to our story, the same way I expected to hear a voice saying what I expected, people expect another end to themselves and to the world.

Our existence is only important to us. The grains of sand of the desert of a distant planet, or the hydrogen atoms melting inside a star on the other side of the galaxy, or a black hole bending a ray of light, they don’t care if you mother is at the hospital, if your dog look to you just like a person, or if because that rain, you got late at that coffee shop, just in time to meet the woman of your life.

Somewhere in time humankind forgot to look to the universe and started to worry to much about themselves, giving too much attention to their own intrigues and stories. The moon floating in the sky, the size of the sea and the blue sky covered with clouds at the end of a day, were impressive no more.

Have you ever heard that people judge others based in who they are themselves? Have you ever heard that people see meaning in signs and reactions having as reference what these signs and reactions would mean if they were the ones doing it?

I believe that humankind, someday, started to judge the universe as if the universe was a human as well.

But the universe is not.

The universe doesn’t lie, doesn’t play tricks, doesn’t care about sports, nor postpones happiness to an uncertain future, nor keeps itself hungry and fool, nor run in rat races. It not even doesn’t care about our priorities, it not even have any idea of what they are.

The universe is not like a human, it is not worried about making sense to us, about having a start, a middle and an end, presentation, argument and conclusion, the pledge, the turn and the prestige. In some sense we are lost in something much bigger than we like to admit.

My watch tells me now that I don’t have more time, just in time to conclude the third part of my message.

To you, who is alive, either because in your universe I’m just a story, either because my message survived as I expect it will, I think that take to serious any advice, any concept, any result or future plan, is to fall into the mistake of believing that the universe is a person and like us is worried about our priorities and concerns.

At the big picture of the cosmos, we are not even dust, but at the same time, without our invisible presence, the same cosmos would not be the same. We have our place, but is very hard to understand which place it is.

And this is the third part of my message.

I think that the only thing we have in common with the universe is that we can also tell stories and our stories, just like the ones from the universe, are true and right when they can make sense, but not making the sense that our had expects.

I hope you are proud of your stories, even if you yourself don’t understand them all the time. Beauty can be perceived without fully understanding of what is perceived.

Thank you for listen me, I’m sorry about the tone kind nostalgic, kind heavy, kind confuse, kind I don’t know what. It was the best I could do, needing to leave a message, so suddenly, to whatever will be after the end of the world.

Good luck and until never again.